The Definition of Love By Ryan O'Connell

You can stop taking quizzes in Cosmo. Here’s what love really is.

Love is still wanting to hold someone after you climax. After the initial euphoria from the orgasm wears off, you’re replaced with a sense of calm rather than a panic. You don’t want to search for your clothes, scramble to find your keys and figure out the best way to tell them, “See ya later forever!” You’re fine with chilling out in bed with the person and maybe ordering pad thai later.

Love is unattractive. It can expose our worst traits: Jealousy, irrational fears, heated anger; the gang’s all here! While it can bring out compassion and tenderness, it can also make you behave like the ugliest version of yourself. That can be okay for a little while, but love with real longevity should be like a xanax rather than an adderall.

Love is not afraid to be schmaltzy. There’s a reason why the most popular love songs are so lyrically simple. You can drown it in metaphors all you want but love usually boils down to, “You make me so happy. I want to hold your hand. I just want u 2 be mine 4ever!” You can be a 50-year-old linguistics professor at Columbia University and still find something to relate to in a Mariah Carey ballad if you’re in love because the feelings are so universal. It’s humbling, isn’t it? No matter who you are or what your background is, love can reduce you to Mariah Carey mush.

Love is an all-consuming drug. It gives us these natural highs we’ve only read about in books or heard in songs. It’s addictive. It’s what keeps us going to bars, drinking glasses of wine, going to that stupid house party in Bushwick; it’s all for the possibility of finding love. In the wrong hands, love can be dangerous and scary. If someone lacks a healthy foundation, love can kill. All of these crimes you read about in the newspapers are usually linked to passionate love. “I did it because I loved them just…too much.”

Love is not what our parents had. In high school, you never wanted to think about your mother and father having once slept with people in the backseat of cars and feeling warm and happy. That would make it feel less special and young. It would make love have less to do with you when, EXCUSE ME, it has EVERYTHING to do with you.

Love is getting drunk with your significant other at a party and taking a cab home with your bodies intertwined. You feel safest in these moments, the most secure. Entering a social gathering with someone who loves you is the biggest security blanket. People leave the party as a parade of droopy expressions and sad cocktail dresses. But not you. “Sorry guys, I’m in love! I’m taking a car!”

Love is fucking stupid. Love is fucking smart. Love is about betraying yourself, of compromising your ideals for someone else’s approval. That’s actually the bad kind of love, but I guess it all blurs together when you’re young or when you’re old or when you don’t love yourself.

Love is your significant other telling you about their favorite album and then making a point to fall in love with it on your own. Love is wondering why your better half loves certain things. You think you can find remnants of them in their favorite films, books and songs, but you usually can’t.

Love is finding yourself feeling protective over someone else’s well-being Love is being incensed with rage when someone or something has done your lover wrong.

Love is wanting your partner to cum. And if they can’t, just say, “That’s okay. I’m enjoying this.” It might be bullshit, but they’ll be orgasming in the next five minutes. Trust me.

Love isn’t always marriage. Marriage is spending $60,000 so everyone can know that someone loves you. You know what’s certainly not love? Debt. In some cases, love can be divorce.

Love is a back massage, a mindfuck, a hard cock, a pair of perfect breasts, of feeling unashamed about the cellulite on your body. Love is someone giving a shit about you enough to argue. Love is not passive. Love is “Don’t fucking touch me right now.” Love is “Who the FUCK were you talking to?” Love is sometimes hating yourself for a second. Love is hate. Period. Indifference is the real killer of love and the true antithesis.

When love leaves you, you should be lying on your bathroom floor with no resolve. You’re smoking cigarettes in the bathtub and crying about everything bad that’s ever happened.

Love is someone seeing the beauty in you and wanting to bask in it every day all day. Love is not guaranteed. We are not owed love. That’s why when we get it, we know how lucky we are and hold on to it for dear life.

So, yeah. That’s what love is. Anyone know where to get some?

Alguien que Cuide de mi

Que en sus brazos me sienta

una niña pequeña

sonría, le mienta

y se trague mis penas

Qué sacuda mi cama

como un animal

y que por las mañanas

me dé un poco más

Que no sea muy malo

que no sea muy bueno

y si me hace regalos

que no le cueste dinero

Alguien que cuide de mí

que quiera matarme

y se mate por mí

Que no quiero más chulos

que no traen un duro

ni tíos muy feos

con un gran empleo

Que no quiero borrachos

ni locos de atar

ningún mamarracho

que me haga llorar

Ni chicos perdidos

buscando a mamá

ni tipos muy finos

que luego te la dan

Alguien que cuide de mí

que quiera matarme

y se mate por mí

Que me lleve a la feria

y luego a bailar

le dejaré ver mis medias

para que corra detrás

... (add title here)

I think I'm feeling a bit nostalgic today, but not in a bad way. I got to do some reflexion about my life and what have I done with it in the past thirty-something years that I have lived in this lifetime. And came to realize that for the time I have been wondering around the world, I have done quite a whole deal of things. True that, I might not have achieved the fast-track lane life that many have, but I still can say that even when I retell my story I always get this "wow!" look on people. What are some of the things I have done thus far?

1. I have loved and I have been loved. Oh yes. I have. I have loved like nothing in the world and I have been loved like I was the last person in the world. I know the feeling of perfection in love.

2. I have lost love. And it hurt. And it still does sometimes. I have lost in the good way, I have lost in the bad way, and I have lost in the most hurtful way anyone can imagine. But in the end, I always go back to the fact that, while it lasted, it was love.

3. I have posed naked and have been sold in a galleria. I have done crazy monkey-like business with friends and had a blast doing it. One of many was the nude photograph session that later I got invited to the galleria opening for. One of the photos sold.

4. I have bought my own car. And it wasn't easy. I was nineteen when I got my first car -- and I was twenty-eight when I got my recent car. I have survived a collision that I still wonder how in the world did I manage to walk out of that one. Big ass angel that I have.

5. I have studied the major I wanted, I have worked in the field, and then decided it wasn't for me so I changed my role. I am happy.

6. I have been published even though I never asked to. Poetry and short stories that came out from my soul somehow made their way to magazines, books, and even walls, with my name on it. I never asked for that and I am thankful that it happened. But I need more out of that one.

I came to the conclusion that I have decided what is best for me, even if that means that it's not the best solution for others.Who is going to live my life? Me. No one else. I was born alone, gonna die alone. No one is going to die right along with me. So, might as well enjoy the ride with all the love in the world.

I understood that people are not always going to see things my way but that does not mean that they're wrong or that I'm wrong. It just means life has spice and we have to add the sugar to balance it out.

I have come to understand that even though she's married and I'm not, my sister is still the same free spirit she always was. And that I am sure that she had to be a pirate on her previous life and misses the sea as much as I miss St Petersburg. That it is good that we get together for coffee and talk about everything but the kids. That's my mom's job.

That is not my job to be my father's babysitter. If he wants to go to the doctor, fine. If not, that's okay too.

That no matter how hard you try, sometimes people will not allow you to teach them anything.

... and that cupid sometimes works for the devil. And that's good too.

So enjoy it. Live it. Get lost in it. Swallow it. Embrace it. And in the end, smile politely and keep walking.

I laid in bed that night and thought about the day
And how my life is like a roller coaster ride
The ups and downs and crazy turns along the way
It'll throw you off if you don't hold on tight
You can't really smile until you've shed some tears
I could die today or I might live on for years

Post War Analysis

I wanted to use the cat as an example of how I feel after Valentine's Day. It's kind of like the bug is feeling when it sees the gigantic hungry cat praying upon it... preying.. God!

I got a good V day present from a friend -- a hand-made knitted hat. Then it was out to eat sushi. It was all good.

In class -- Quiz day. Time to make people cry and see their "why didn't I study harder" faces. The quiz was rather easy according to most -- but there is always that one little rice on top, you know? The one that swears on his puppy's life that we have not seen those subjects before.

Yeah, same kid who got a 59 in the quiz and has 5 missed classes out of 10.

:) Indeed.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------









Valentine's Day is overrated. So is Mother's day, father's day, teacher's day, and every other "x" day you can think of. To have one day to tell a person that he/she is your friend and that you love them -- ONE day out of 365 days of the year. But then again, how often do we do it? How often do we tell our friends that we love them and that we're there for them? We tend to take those things for granted and in the same circuit as "He/She knows I love her/him".

So I don't think it's overrated. Maybe a little over proportioned, with all the candy, flowers, jewelry, cards, and the shenanigans when all you really need is to hug someone or give them a tap on the shoulder to tell them "hey, I'm here for you".

Valentine's day shouldn't be the "day that I am reminded of how alone I am". Is the day when we ought to feel lucky to have the friends and family members we have in our lives and acknowledge them -- if we don't do it already, any other day.

I know I ramble. But I also know that's one thing that my friends (the real ones) are willing to stand about me.

V Day Preview

Valentine's Day is the day when all those Super Bowl guys who paid no attention to their spouses and girlfriends can make it up

So, tomorrow is the V Day. When I used to work at elementary school, the V day extravaganza would start at midday and carry on 'till the kids' parents would pick 'em up at 2. And the teachers would be rolling in candy by the time it was over. Oh yes - the glorious days of Valentine's Day's candy/chocolate are now in the past, as university/college students won't consider bringing a little lollipop. I got one today, but it was so little I didn't even notice the flavor.

(Thank you, Miss Izza, for bringing yummy lollipop to me)

For this reason, my level III English students are taking their Unit 1 - 2 quiz. They take the quiz today, they have a relaxed weekend, and then on Monday they'll sing the not-so-happy song of "The Quiz was too hard!" They sometimes forget how good they are, you know? I mean, they do GREAT in the class, they do their homework, they participate, and they speak the language fairly good (at least they don't sound like an underpaid "Viva Hollywood" character...) But when quiz time gets here, they get nervous and I wish I could help them out but there are limits to my aid during quizzes.

I believe they will do great on this one. They've been a great bunch of people.



And what better way to celebrate V Day than to pre-order a very special gift for that special someone in your life, right?

Here in Juarez, we have solved the problem of thinking what to get that someone. Do you give flowers? Naah! They dry! Now about some jewelry? Naah! It'll get stolen! Clothes? Are you kidding? Chocolate? What if that someone is on a diet or something?

NO!! BEER IS THE OPTION!


That's right. Cerveza Victoria celebrates St Valentine's Day by offering their consumers the VALENTINE'S DAY BUCKET OF BEER! Door-delivered on Valentine's Day, arranged with balloons and all... 12 beers. What better way to say I love you?? Why be like all the other guys and give that person you love something everyone else already gives! No sir! Beer! Beer is the secret of love, romance, and a lot of guys and girls hooking up.

Monday Monday...

It's the beginning of a new week and already something wicked this way comes...

One of my teachers, Mr Venegas, teaches an administrative class and he has told the students (since last week) that he is no longer going to be able to teach the class because he is leaving for Mexico City in a week. He has also told this to the Social Sciences coordinator.

Has he had the decency to tell me this? No.

Here's the deal: he teaches English VII. The class began last week. He is leaving me one week to find a new teacher, train him to the teaching model we have here, give the teacher the week's trial... a whole bunch of burning circles that this teacher has to jump through like a circus poodle. And the frikky part of it is that he saw me, this morning, and still -- NADA! I mean, dude! WTF?!

Well... that and the fact that my car got a flat tire today hahaha! I was supposed to go out and pay for the electric bill, but now I have to fix my car's tire. Poor baby!

The class in the morning has been behaving. So far, so good. I have started a blog-program, where students have to go on-line and start their own blogs. They're pretty lazy, and even though it only takes a few minutes, they're still relentless about doing it. Today I have left a week-long assignment in which they will have to log in to the university's web site and post their blogs even if it kills them (THEM, why should it have to kill me?)

... I'm in the mood for Chinese...


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
VALENTINE'S DAY SPECIALS...

BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO... ESPECIALLY IF YOU DO THESE THINGS: In her book, A Girlfriend's Guide to Getting Over Him, author Sandra Ann Miller lays down the law for the brokenhearted. She's created ten essential ground rules to prevent the recently split from making the most common breakup mistakes...


1. I will not call him… even if I am convinced it will make me feel better. I will not call him even to get my stuff. I'll have a friend do that, preferably via e-mail.

2. I will not email him… Not even an innocent or funny group e-mail forward.

3. I will not frequent the places I know he goes… even if I went there first and like it better. I know going to such places will hurt more than it will help.

4. I will not encourage or allow friends to do anything foolhardy… even with my best interests at heart. This includes talking to him when they see him in public to let him know he is a jerk and he'll never do better than me, or to share that I'm looking fabulous, got a promotion, and am dating George Clooney.

5. I will screen all of my calls. I will not answer the phone unless I know who it is and I'm sure it's not him.

6. I will not take his phone calls. I repeat -- I will not take his calls.

7. I will not return his phone calls or e-mails. If he is "just checking" to see how I am, I know he is really just checking to see if I think he's a jackass. He is looking for an ego stroke, not to get back together.

8. I will not look for signs that we will get back together. This includes asking the Magic-8 Ball or psychics, or your horoscope.

9. I will not believe this is temporary. I will see this as permanent until proven otherwise by concrete actions, immense apologies, and couple's therapy.

10. I will not hide under a rock, be humiliated or ashamed that this relationship ended. For all I know, this could be the best thing that ever happened to me.

I promise to abide by these vows for at least thirty days, or until I have gotten over him, whichever is longer. This I do affirm. So help me.