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I think I'm feeling a bit nostalgic today, but not in a bad way. I got to do some reflexion about my life and what have I done with it in the past thirty-something years that I have lived in this lifetime. And came to realize that for the time I have been wondering around the world, I have done quite a whole deal of things. True that, I might not have achieved the fast-track lane life that many have, but I still can say that even when I retell my story I always get this "wow!" look on people. What are some of the things I have done thus far?

1. I have loved and I have been loved. Oh yes. I have. I have loved like nothing in the world and I have been loved like I was the last person in the world. I know the feeling of perfection in love.

2. I have lost love. And it hurt. And it still does sometimes. I have lost in the good way, I have lost in the bad way, and I have lost in the most hurtful way anyone can imagine. But in the end, I always go back to the fact that, while it lasted, it was love.

3. I have posed naked and have been sold in a galleria. I have done crazy monkey-like business with friends and had a blast doing it. One of many was the nude photograph session that later I got invited to the galleria opening for. One of the photos sold.

4. I have bought my own car. And it wasn't easy. I was nineteen when I got my first car -- and I was twenty-eight when I got my recent car. I have survived a collision that I still wonder how in the world did I manage to walk out of that one. Big ass angel that I have.

5. I have studied the major I wanted, I have worked in the field, and then decided it wasn't for me so I changed my role. I am happy.

6. I have been published even though I never asked to. Poetry and short stories that came out from my soul somehow made their way to magazines, books, and even walls, with my name on it. I never asked for that and I am thankful that it happened. But I need more out of that one.

I came to the conclusion that I have decided what is best for me, even if that means that it's not the best solution for others.Who is going to live my life? Me. No one else. I was born alone, gonna die alone. No one is going to die right along with me. So, might as well enjoy the ride with all the love in the world.

I understood that people are not always going to see things my way but that does not mean that they're wrong or that I'm wrong. It just means life has spice and we have to add the sugar to balance it out.

I have come to understand that even though she's married and I'm not, my sister is still the same free spirit she always was. And that I am sure that she had to be a pirate on her previous life and misses the sea as much as I miss St Petersburg. That it is good that we get together for coffee and talk about everything but the kids. That's my mom's job.

That is not my job to be my father's babysitter. If he wants to go to the doctor, fine. If not, that's okay too.

That no matter how hard you try, sometimes people will not allow you to teach them anything.

... and that cupid sometimes works for the devil. And that's good too.

So enjoy it. Live it. Get lost in it. Swallow it. Embrace it. And in the end, smile politely and keep walking.

I laid in bed that night and thought about the day
And how my life is like a roller coaster ride
The ups and downs and crazy turns along the way
It'll throw you off if you don't hold on tight
You can't really smile until you've shed some tears
I could die today or I might live on for years


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