Porcelain -- Chapter 1 -- Trouble in Mind


Chapter 1: Trouble in Mind

New York is a city that never sleeps. They always tell you that one. The postcards always picture this bright light escapade where dreams can come true, you can fall in love, where everything happens twice, and if the milk goes sour you just go to the corner and buy a fresh carton. They never tell you the ugly parts. They never tell you about the loneliness, the heartache, the lies, the bullshit, the violence, the milk that went sour at three o’clock in the morning. They never tell you that one day you go to bed next to the love of your life and the next day you’re alone.

I never quite could figure it out myself.

I didn’t used to be like this. Three years and eighty-five hours ago I wasn’t like this, sitting at a bar, drinking whiskey and smoking something that tastes more like a rat’s ass than anything else. I was different. Everything was different: the precinct, the city, the wind – everything. Life was different in a good way. Every day I would get up, thank the stars I was still alive to see my friends again, wash my teeth, have breakfast, and report for duty. And when my shift was over, I thanked my stars that I was still alive again, go home, watch some TV, read a book, and think about how wonderful Dee was.

Dee was definitely different.

There was always this spark of fire in his eyes that was somewhat attractive, persuasive, entrancing. This fire that seemed to pierce inside your soul, looking for its darker inner secrets; a fire that left you completely shaken and breathless, and that at the same time you longed for and craved. It was like an addiction, to look into those eyes and be submerged in them. I think that was the main reason I was attracted to him back at the Academy. Aside from his dashing good looks, I would venture to guess that it was his overwhelming confidence what made me fall like a giddy school girl for that man. I was more than happy when I stumbled upon him once again at the precinct. Okay, more than happy – I was right down ecstatic, I admit it. I had one more shot at being next to him and it was something to be definitely thankful to those stars.

I never expected that fire to go out but it did. And now that I recall everything that went down, I wish I could go back in time and smack myself on the head. How come I never saw it? How come I never took notice of the mess that was happening around them? I could have done something to help – something to save Dee’s fire. Back then, I would have given my left hand and my right eye to work with Dee as partners. I was madly in love with that man. And the few times I did get the chance to work with him, I cherish the time as precious as gold. True, I didn’t let my feelings towards Dee go unnoticed; I would even go ahead and admit I was right down obnoxious and I don’t blame Dee for avoiding me like the plague back then. But after all this time, I now miss those days.

In the end, I got my wish. But I got an empty shell to go with it too.

I miss Dee.

Troubled in mind, I'm little blue
Bet you I won't be blue always
'Cause that ol' sun's gonna shine
On Jerry Lee Lewis's back door step someday

I'm gonna lay my head
On somebody's lonesome railroad line
Let that ol' midnight special
Ease my troubled mind

Well, they tell me that old graveyard
Is a mighty lonesome place
Lord they put you six feet under
Shovellin' mud directly in your face

Well, goodbye baby, may God bless you
And may He bless ol' Killer a little bit too
Oh, don't meet you over yonder, baby
When they throw that Jerry right over you

Troubled in mind, when I'm little blue
Bet you I won't be blue always
'Cause the sun's gonna shine
On, on my back door step
Some lowdown, lonesome, mother humpin' day


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