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Right now I am in a place I wish I wasn't. But I have no one else to blame but myself and my stupid brain. So, I pray to the Goddess to aid me in this situation and make a vow not to allow myself to get so sloppy again. EVER again. My fate rests in the hands and hearts of a few and I really need the good vibrations that everyone has always send over my way. Dear my! I wish I was someone else at some other time right now! I wish I could just slip a few days or years --- in a comma... and then wake up and find out that everything went according to plan, smooth, no flaws, nothing to worry about. And the thing is that this would be much easier to carry if I had someone to tell me "it's gonna be okay"... other than Kalavan, that is, who even when I know he means well, it's not the same as having a mortal person hold you and tell you these words.

How important it is to have someone by your side in difficult situations! I've never seen this this way, but how true it is. The burden would be so much smoother. And it's not like I don't have friends or family whom I can rely on... but then enter my stupid brain again, who tells me that they have enough problems of their own than to carry on with mine. Either way, I hope I have all things worked up by the end of the day. I have one more card to play and I intend to put on my sad puppy eyes and go with it. At any case, I'm already in deep.

30 Days of Truth -- Day 10
Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know

This one is quite easy. And I know that if he or someone related to him reads this, they're gonna go "oh, you bitch!! after all you did!!!" but to tell the truth, he is half of my life's mistake. The other half, I believe, is dead. The first one I have to add here is Andrew S. Hubbard. I needed to let go and I wish I didn't know him. Why? Several reasons. Mainly is the reason that he believes we're meant to be together --- but I need someone who can stand by me and be the strong one, not someone who needs a constant reminder of my love and devotion towards them. I loved him one, yes, with all my heart and soul... but I don't need a drag down when my wings are much too big and need to fly --- and I don't need someone who will put me through an emotional rollercoaster (or a sentimental blackmail) just to "stay together". Plus, I don't need to carry on the label that he will have to carry for the rest of his life and he knows why (I will not discuss it here). As for the other half, the one I believe is dead, is Alex Blair, or Brian Bradley, or however he wishes to be called. I was told he is dead, so I believe he is. And the thing is that he took something from me -- something that I have yet to build again and I believe I will never regain. So, if he's reading this, for however reason, I ask that he returns what he took because I think I need it to move on. Please.

Si yo pudiera haber sabido
lo que seria de mi alma y mi vida
despues de haberte conocido....


 

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