Dear Mr Hacker...

Hello. You probably already know my name since you've been kind enough to hack into my system. PLUS, if you already don't know my name, then you're not as bad-ass as you want your favorite friends down at the subway shop to think you are. Anyhow, the reason I am writing this letter to you is because of this virus that you have been spreading around.

As you know ('cause you made it --- unless your body was taken over by some alien or something) this virus "CONFLIKER" (or however you spell it) has screwed up systems all over the world. I do not doubt that you have infected my poor little computer who, in this year alone, has done more crashes than a drunken senator on a Thursday night (believe me, in Mexico, that happens). But my question here is, why this computer? I mean, I am sure you aim to get bigger fish. And if you think that just because this computer gets its signal from a Mexican private university, lemme just give you a heads up on what you're gonna find here:

1. You're not gonna find any porn. All my porn is safely statched on dvd or cd rom. I ain't that stupid on to let the good stuff in here. You might find some light-ass porn, like the one that comes out every time one clicks "porn" when the google safe code is on. But all the good, hard-core stuff is away. So sad for you.

2. If you are looking for credit card numbers, bank accounts, and that stuff, let me save you the trouble. I do not have one. Heck! I think that I OWE the bank money. Do you want that? You want my account with no money and a deficit of three times my salary? I get paid in cash here... so, no account for you. However, if you are still stubborn enough to get my name off the records, I have to tell you that I have three homonyms people living in the same city as I do. Three people... One of them is a monkey and likes to sell chacharas down in Tepito... well, not TEPITO, Tepito... but that's how she likes to call the little changarro she has down the street from where I live. Besides, we all know Mexican banks are owned by Americans, so screw me and call me poodle from every angle, hum? But if you want money, all you have to do is post a web page, ask people for money to see you masturbate over the net, you know, like most normal people do nowadays OR you can not masturbate and just dance the Pedro Navajas song while you're cooking something... I'm rambling.

3. If you think that my computer holds secrets about people, let me save you the trouble: yes, I know she's gay, no, he is not cheating on his wife, and yes, they're both hooking up in three-ways with old people down in Malawi... One of them hold a porn ring with ants and some sort of ant porn I cannot quite grasp yet. Oh! And remember the thing that I was talking about the other day? Yeah, turns out that indeed, it was so awesome and spectacular! It was killer! You should have seen the results, I mean --- wow...There, satisfied?

So, as you can see Mr Hacker, what you will find in this computer is nothing short of shenanigans. Images that make no sense, dull presentations that I can always make over and over again, and a collection of pandas that are so cute that make Tinkerbell envious and wishing she can have some botox done on her tinny little ass. Probably you will have a blast erasing everything, but then again, I do have backups and most of my ideas are still down on handwritten paper (so, it's not like I'm gonna kill myself over the fact that I have lost everything here, I can always get it back... however, I do know people who know people who will be happy to make you a statistic... I ain't saying BUT... I'm just saying)

Well, I leave you now. I have to write a letter to Santa before Christmas comes (yes, I've said it, CHRISTMAS!!) and I can still plead for toys and candy this year. Take good care and say Hi to your cat for me... Peace!

Yours trully,

The Panda


Dear Mr. Santa:

As you can probably tell, I haven't been a good little panda these past few months, and it only seems like things are not gonna get any better any time soon. So----


Post a Comment

Siguiente Anterior Inicio